My bluntest conversation yet…

Brushing my teeth tonight, I stood in the mirror looking at myself…with complete disappointment.

 

Well hello there, Sarah. 

Hi. {Keeps brushing teeth to avoid eye contact.}

I see you are your same chubby, disgusting self. 

Well, I am working on it… sort of.

Are you? Because I’m not seeing much of a change.

I’m…

If by working on it you mean eating your feelings then YES you are definitely working on it.

Ouch. {Spit}

How many excuses have you made today alone to get out of logging your WW points or getting up to exercise? 

I know I know. I suck.

Yes you do! You are a lazy piece of shit! 

I mean that’s a bit harsh, don’t ya think? {Keeps brushing}

Oh did I hurt your big fat feelings?

Kind of…yeah.

Well, get over it! What you are doing is making stupid excuses and you’re only letting yourself down. If you aren’t going to put forth the effort, that’s fine by me. But you’ll just forever be the fat wife/mother/sister/coworker/friend.

You’re right. {Mouth full of tooth paste}

Of course I’m right! I’m you, stupid.

{Smirk, spit}

And no one feels sorry for you because you’ve only done this to yourself. You are FAT because of you! F.A.T. There! I said it. 

You’re right! This is my fault. I can’t blame this on anyone but myself. What the hell am I doing? {Brushing more vigorously now.}

Nothing, that’s the whole point of this conversation, idiot! 

But what if…

What if what? You fail? Any attempt at this point would better than another secret Reese’s pumpkin. 

{Eyes nearly pop out of my head.}

Yes, I know about those. 

{Overwhelming shame. Rinse and spit.}

So what if you fail? So you lose 5 lbs instead of 10. Something is better than nothing. At least you’d be making progress, putting forth effort, attempting to better yourself. Your butt would be 5 lbs lighter! It would be a miracle! 

My butt could be smaller.

Ya think? 

{Begins flossing to avoid the obvious.}

All I am doing is saying what clearly needs to be said. You are fat. If your loved ones won’t tell you, I will. Now get up and do something about it! 

But I hate trying and trying and never getting anywhere.

Did you expect this to be easy? 

Well if I…

Shut up! Well nothing moron! This is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever attempted to do in the history of your 20 some years of life. And it’s going to take time. You are just going to have to deal with it, tubby.  

Why all the attitude and name calling?

Because you need it. Someone needs to sass you to the point you are willing to do whatever it takes to prove them wrong. 

{That you-make-a-valid-point-but-I-hate-you-for-being-right look.}

You need to make a change. Embracing your chubbiness isn’t working anymore. You’ll probably never be a size 3/4 again…. and that’s okay. You don’t need to be that skinny. But let’s get down to single digit pant sizes. OK? At least that would be healthy. At least you wouldn’t ashamed to be out with your family or paranoid of the way your clothes fit you. 

{Nodding – mouth full of mouth wash.}

Can I take it one day at a time? Otherwise it gets REALLY scary and overwhelming.

You know for someone tends to be pretty strong-willed – you act like a pansy when it comes to this stuff. 

Yeah, not my strength. {Gargle, spit.}

Fine. One day at a time. But don’t crap out of me when you’ve had one bad food day or weigh in. This is going to be an ugly battle. Things may get worse before they get better… and don’t kid yourself, that one week a month is going to be a REAL bitch! But you have to power through…

OK! So we’ll start on Wednesday?

{If looks could kill.}

What? It’s my weigh in day!

Did I not just tell you about what a fat ass you are? Have you seen yourself naked lately? Yeah… that’s what I thought. You WILL start tomorrow! No matter what. 

Fine. I hate it when you’re right.

I know. Most people do. 

Good night.

Good night Sarah. 

 

 

 

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  • Lauren Mayberry

    Your mirror-self is super bitchy! haha. You are beautiful. Seriously. I’ve had that same conversation with myself though, so I totally get it. Sometimes being hard on yourself is how you get back on track – sometimes it’s by looking at yourself in the mirror and not seeing the big butt, but rather seeing the butt that sits comfortably on your daughters bed as you say goodnight to her. Or seeing the stomach full of delicious homecooked food you prepared for your family. Or seeing the Reese pumpkin you and your husband binge ate after dinner together (for Rob and I, it’s orange leaf!). Either way, don’t be too hard on yourself. You are capable of so much, and you should be your own cheerleader and your own biggest advocate. Your heart and soul will be the same at any size, but your happiness will be at its peak knowing you’re being the best you that you can be. Sometimes, that involves a few kickass workouts, and sometimes it involves a few Reese pumpkins (my favorite – next to the Reese Christmas trees). Hang in there girl. You’re not a fatass, you’re not disgusting and nobody looks good naked. Nobody. Make choices that make you FEEL good, and it will show. Love you!

    • noudles04

      Love you too! :)

  • Kim @ Fabulous Fit Foodie

    I hope you know that you are so much more than a number on the scale! I hate to see you feeling this way about yourself. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. You are a loving mother, wife, and friend. You are a hard working employee. You have so much going for you and there are so many reasons to love yourself. Remember to celebrate your successes and not be so hard on yourself. We are our own worst critics!

    • noudles04

      My mirror-self could be a bigger bitch than me in real life. Trying. Helps having good friends like you. :)